i felt to best describe josh was to help understand
what lead up to his death witht he bi polar, not to
many people understand why it happened or what lead up
to it i can only hope by sharing this with youad n
eveyoen that it brings some understanding.

love, love is the greatest gift one person can give to
another, whether it be as a friend, borther, son ,
father , or husband. the greatest gift i had ever
recieved came when i met josh. I never did believe at
love at first sight but it happened. I met josh in oct
1998 while working at a nursing home, we became good
friends and ended up dating, from that relationship we
found another gift in both of us our daughter kyren
who was born in sept 1999. during this time josh had
joined the US Army adn it made things difficult but
through the distance we made our relationship work, we
were married on march 3 2001. In may of 2002 our son
kalic was born, this was one of the best days in joshs
life, a son, somethign he had always dreamed of.
although our marriage had it's up and downs we still
loved one another very much, and remaind best friends
until the day he left us and went to be with God.
what many did not know about josh was that he was bi
polar a disease that plays with a persons life as well
as there family. This disease would be the final
chapter in a great mans life that had so much to live
for and so much to give. to fully understand his death
you need to understand what happened in the months
prior.
On july 8 2004 josh was involed in a car accident
which totaled his car , he was on his way to my house
to talk when it happened. he was not hurt but shookin
up pretty bad. later that day i gave him my car and
went to get my truck from my dads house and told josh
that i would see him later on that evening. during
this time i received a message from josh about romeo
losing his juilet adn so did serveral other of his
friends, ( this was his bi polar kicking in full gear
) when i returned to paulding i went straight to his
house to make sure he was alright , i woke him up and
told him i and the kids were heading to the store then
home and that i would call him. Josh then met me at
the store and was very angry, i think because all that
had happened that day adn him wrecking his car, he
felt like it was to much to deal with, he wanted to
take our son but i refused and told him to go home
because he was to upset to be out driving around. he
pulled out of the store and was in front of me , he
was heading to my house, we got aways out of town me
and our kids saw the car turn sideways and flip and a
bunch of dust flying. i jumped out of the truck to
find the car in the field but no josh my heart hit my
stomach until i heard my 5 yr old screaming that her
dad was in front of the truck adn he was abotu 2 feet
from the front . he was life flighted and suffered
only a broken foot and was banged up , but he
surivied. in the days following we talked about the
accident, he admitted he just wanted out but it wasn't
meant to be and it most not have been his time to go.
he wanted to live for the kids to see them grow
up.Little did i know or anyone for that matter that
the next 2 months would be the hardest for him. In
august josh just wasn't himself nor had he been his
the acciendents a month prior. he became sick , we
thought it was just the flu but we were wrong. he
ended up moving in with his parents, i had went to his
apartment to check his mail and make sure everything
was ok, in the process i had found 2 letters one to
his mom and one to me i read them and became very
conserned, so showed them to my counslor who gave me a
1-800 number and told me to take this letters to his
mom asap adn have her call the help line. so did, but
it was to late. the next morning aug 13th i recieved a
call from joshs mom saying that he was really sick and
could hardly walk and was speaking in gibberish and
asked what she should do. i came to defiance and took
josh to the defiance ER, around 1pm that day josh
slipped into what was a coma like state and stayed
that way late into the night, i recieved a call at
home around 1 in the morning saying that his kidneys
had shut down and he was being life flighted to
toldeo. teh next day i went to toldeo and it felt like
a dream liek this couldn't be happening, there was
many theroies about what had caused his kidneys to
fail but no answers at that timeI asked his mom what
she did with the letters i had given her so that maybe
the doctors could see what they were dealign with ,
she told me she had read half of hte first one and
burned them with the 1-800 number. over the next few
weeks, test confirmed that he had consumed anti freeze
, josh was a wreck, he was tied to the bed and didn't
know anyone, he lost weight and was in alot of pain.
all the doctors would tell us was he needed to fight
the demons that were inside of him and fight to live,
which to everyones surprise he did. I had a
converstation with josh after 3 weeks of him being in
ICU, he told me he didn't want to die and to not let
him die , he talked about god, to which was a surpirse
given he never really believed in the god you or i
know. we talked about good times, the kids and how
much he loved everyone and he was sorry. He didn't
want to suffer anymore. josh finally came home on
labor day weekend, a week later his kidneys started
back up but yet another battle came abotu he was
fighting. teh side effects from takign the anti freeze
had taken there total on his already weak body, his
blood pressure was off the charts, and his vision
started to go.
josh spent most of the that month with me and the
kids, we seen and talked to him everyday, but he
wasn't himself, he had hit another low in the bi polar
which would evenutally take his life a few weeks
later. josh became withdrawen, stayed in his room and
would have talked to no one, it was like he was lost
in thought.
sept 20th was our daughters 5th birthday we spent that
sunday and monday together , it was like old times we
did family things and he was the happiest i had seen
him in a long time i felt good about our future and
his. tuesday he was with us and everything was the
same. sept 22, the last time i seen josh alive, i had
stopped over on my way home from college, he had
gotten off the phone with his friend jacque, i knew
something wasn't right, i could see it in his eyes and
hear it in his voice, he walked me out to my car and
we laughed and play fighted in the yard, he gave me a
hug adn a kiss and told me that no matter what he
would always love me,. i remeber pulling out of the
driveway adn looking in the rearview mirror and
watching him watch me pull away he sat on the step
till i was out of sight. he called that night and
wanted to see the kids, i told him no it was to late (
11pm) but that i'd be over in the morning so he could
see them, little did i know he wanted to say good bye.
sept 23rd 2004, messanged me he was full of anger and
told me he did not have much longer to live, and said
he wanted to make sure i had said everythign i wanted
to say , he told me that he knew i'd take care of his
kids and to let them know how much he loved them and
how much he loved me, i told him i was getting ready
to leave adn i'd be there in about another or so that
was at 9:45 am. when i got to his parents house at 11
am he was gone. he was gone from the hosue and gone
from this earth. we searched the woods behind his
parents house for a good hour before deciding he most
have went off to think on his own he'll be home later.
sept 24th 2004 i recieved a call his mom had called
the sheriff josh still had not come home, he took
information from me and i told his mom i'd be over
afteri picked kyren up from school.
i got kyren and went to my work to call his mom
something told me i should, at 11:30am i got the news
that changed my life, " lexie she said i am so sorry
honey i have found him he is gone".
I can't explain how i felt at that moment , i fell to
the floor and cryed but i had to pull myself together
our 2 children where outside in teh car, to innocent
to knwo what had happened and i was so fearful on how
to tell our 5 yr old that her daddy was with god.
You never truely know how much you care for someone or
how much you love soemoen till they are gone, it's
hard tellign what had happened to him or what was
going through his head, but he was sick the disease
and the demons had won, he didn't want any of us to
suffer anymore nor did he want to suffer with the pain
he was having, in his mind there was no other way out.
sucided is a disease no one ever means to do it in
there right mind.
josh left behind alot of friends and people who cared
about him, he was smart, handsome , loving , giving
and forgiving. his smile could light up a room and his
personality made everyoen want to be his friend, he
would sing karoke at the local bar " free bird" was
his favorite song it all makes sense now." While the
person who commits suicide dies only once, the loved
ones left behind may die a thousand deaths wondering
why" josh was the first love of my life and always
will be and i know in my heart i will see him again on
the other side.
-lexie